Wow, I did not write a single post in four weeks here! It never happened before. I felt exhausted, very busy and enjoyed a two weeks Easter vacation. Now I am back to normal, busy, but not so tired like end of March.
There are a lot of transits going on for me, but in the focus are multiple Chiron transitions. Uranus passed already the exact degree of my natal Chiron at 16° Aries in third house, which trines my natal 12th house Sun at 16° and my AC at 20° Sagittarius. Pluto is squaring my natal Chiron – he did not form the exact aspect yet, but he is close enough to feel it. (Weird, that the Uranus Pluto square hits me after it is over.) And transiting Chiron, now at 19° Pisces, passed the square to my natal Sun and is closing into the square to my AC.
Four weeks ago I found out that my Vitamin D level is far too low. I substitute now and hope that I will be less tired and my allergies will reduce. (I developed a toothpaste (!) allergy over the last months. Now it is a mint-free bio toothpaste for me which tastes totally boring, but my lips are healing.)
I seem to face my childhood fears these days, old body memories and how to deal with conflicts.
As a school child I denied to take part in physical education classes. I could not see any sense in it, I was clumsy, I liked to try, but I did not manage to control my muscles to produce the movements I wanted. I was always under the last ones to be chosen into a team. And nobody could properly explain to me how to activate my body, which little movement has to follow another and how it should feel.
Since three years I am training classical Pilates and since maybe a year Yoga. My teachers are amazing: they explain in precise steps, and now I get it. I develop an unexpected athletic ability, and it feels so good.
For our Easter vacation we went to Switzerland, and I was practising cross-country skiing there. Basically I fear the phenomena of sliding on ground, I ever avoided inline skating, skating, skiing. Cross-country seems easier to me, but you have to ski down a hill from time to time, too. There was one situation where a the beginning of the day I got a panic attack because the hill was too steep or me, I simply could not do it. I went into a more plain area and tried skiing down a softer slope. At the end of the day I even managed the first hill, but I was in panic again, sweating, fast heartbeat, but I did it. I was in tears: old body memories released.
Yesterday evening in Yoga class I tried to do an assisted head stand for the second time. I needed two or three attempts, but with some help of the teacher I managed it. The same effect: release and some tears, but in a good way.
A lot of the old fear connects to memories of social situations in school, to appear awkward, to fail, to be wrong, and the longing to disappear behind a book.
But maybe I am most competitive with myself, not others.
And maybe it is simply not about competition.
But about trust.